There was a time when humanity feared actual things.

Wars. Meteors. Running out of coffee.

Now?

Every Tuesday our feeds wake up with a new apocalypse wearing contour and a conspiracy theory.

This week’s main character: Hantavirus.

Suddenly everybody online became an epidemiologist, an FBI agent, and a washed-up screenwriter for The X-Files at the exact same time. TikTok University graduates are connecting screenshots, blurry maps, abandoned government buildings, and one suspicious rat in Argentina like they’re solving the Zodiac case.

And naturally someone said:

“The X-Files predicted this in 1998.”

View this post on Instagram

Of course they did. That show predicted everything except good lighting and emotional stability.

Now the internet is convinced there’s some massive geopolitical trash-management-virus-coverup situation happening in South America, involving governments, contamination, secret agendas, and enough paranoia to fuel twelve seasons of cable television.

Meanwhile I’m sitting here thinking:

Baby… humanity literally survived mad cow disease.

We survived bird flu.

Swine flu.

Ebola panic.

The “licking ice cream in supermarkets” era.

And somehow we even survived people baking sourdough during lockdown while acting like flour was cryptocurrency.

And let’s never forget the cinematic masterpiece that was 2020.

The world was shutting down, hospitals were overflowing, everyone was emotionally spiraling… and in Milan people were on balconies singing like they were auditioning for the season finale of humanity.

Honestly? Iconic behavior.

That’s what I love about humans.

The planet could be one cough away from collapse and somebody somewhere will still say:

“Anyway… should we order Aperol spritz?”

And honestly? Respect.

Because fear has become entertainment now.

Pandemics trend like celebrity divorces.

Every outbreak gets branding, aesthetics, hashtags, conspiracy podcasts, and one guy on YouTube yelling over dramatic music.

The internet doesn’t consume information anymore.

It binge-watches catastrophe.

One person posts:

“Scientists are monitoring a virus.”

And five minutes later social media transforms it into:

“THE END IS HERE. THE SIMPSONS PREDICTED IT. ELON KNOWS. BUY CANNED BEANS.”

Speaking of The Simpsons — people treat that show like it’s less comedy and more classified CIA documentation.

At this point if Homer Simpson sneezes near a toaster, Reddit will claim civilization ends by 2030.

Relax, babe.

The world has allegedly been ending every year since forever.

Remember Y2K?

The Mayan calendar?

2012?

That random Facebook rumor about a solar storm deleting Earth?

And yet here we are.

Still paying bills.

Still posting selfies.

Still pretending oat milk tastes normal.

Human beings are deeply unserious creatures.

That’s why we survive.

Not because we’re prepared.

Not because governments are organized.

Definitely not because social media is helping.

We survive because even during chaos, someone will still blast Beyoncé through AirPods and emotionally disconnect from reality for three and a half minutes.

Which brings me to my final point:

If the world actually does end by 2030, I refuse to spend my remaining years doomscrolling grainy conspiracy threads narrated by men with podcast microphones.

No.

I’ll be moisturized.

Hydrated.

Slightly delusional.

Listening to Survivor like it’s a national anthem.

Because if humanity has proven anything, it’s this:

We are chaos.

We are drama.

We are denial with Wi-Fi.

But unfortunately for the apocalypse…

we’re also survivors.

Bye for now.